Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize