I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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