She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
