she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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