3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
