My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
