Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
