Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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