"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize