What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
