and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
