Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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