I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
