What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
