I'm jealous of your bromance
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize