Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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