I wannas sexs uuuuu
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
