In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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