plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
