I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
