they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
