Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
