When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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