Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
