When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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