My sheets look like a crime scene.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize