yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
