I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize