I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
