im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Randomize
