I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
