Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
