I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
