I will die if light touches me.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
