38 yer olds are good kisserssss
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
