gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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