Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
