i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
