I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
