he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
