she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
