im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
