well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You had me at "let me see your balls"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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