can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
