Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
ttyl tear gas
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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