He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
