I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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