sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just had sex bonerless
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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