haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
