My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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