Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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