didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
my being single is dangerous.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
