I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
