why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
