Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
