Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
